take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
