I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You ruined the universe
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize