youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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