they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
This couple is walking their pig around campus
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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