That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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