she smelled like a LAN party
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
where are you?
Hypothermia
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
