He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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