Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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