I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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