I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
