Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
