Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize