well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
