guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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