Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
