Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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