This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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