when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
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