Well douche your snatch and let's go!
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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