Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
