I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
