im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
