A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
