party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
