I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
