Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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