Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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