im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
