My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
