If i come over, it means nothing
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
