I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
