An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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