just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
