I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
