I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
