Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
