my phone needs a breathalizer
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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