at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
