I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
