I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
