it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
