I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
