Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
