Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
