Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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