oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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