I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
