somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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