Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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