sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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