Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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