i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
