I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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