Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
