I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Randomize
