He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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