Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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