I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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