You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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